Thursday, October 22, 2009

Blessed....

I have been reading the new book Gifts 2 (stories of how Down syndrome has touched people's lives) and my emotions are all over the place. Reading these stories, especially written by mother's of children with Ds, just makes me sob. Part of it is how these stories take me right back to day 1 with Ella, all the pain, sorrow, fear and anger that I felt when they told me they thought my baby had Down syndrome. The why me? The what will our lives be like now? What about Hunter? And the wishing that I could fast forward and my life go back to "normal."

Part of it, a lot of it, is the guilt for feeling that way. For at least the first couple of weeks after Ella's birth, I wished that she wasn't mine. I wished that she didn't have Down syndrome. It kills me to say that, but it was how I felt and no matter how much I tried to change those feelings the same line repeated over and over in my mind and heart "I want my old life back." Sure I still took care of Ella as best I could. I still did the feedings and held her and rocked her and bathed her, kissed her and hugged her, but I was in a complete fog and really don't remember much of my time with her. Instead I remember crying, that's pretty much my only memory.

Hunter was 2 years and 4 months old when Ella was born. The thing I was most proud of in my life was that boy. I was a good mom, Hunter was my entire world. He was (still is of course) so smart, able to speak far beyond what a 2 year old should be able to, he was polite, sweet, social and incredibly loving. I had done a great job!! But now I had been completely thrown off my game. I didn't know how to raise a child with Down syndrome, I was not equipped to do such a thing, nor did I want to.
Gradually Ella became this baby that I just had to deal with, to one of the 2 greatest blessing of my life. I don't know how the transformation in my mind and heart happened but everyday a little more acceptance crept into me. I heard so many times after Ella's birth, "God only gives special babies to special moms," and immediately I would get angry, there are a lot of special babies out there and a lot of them have horrible parents, so that being said then why on earth do I have Ella?? Well my answer today is that she is my gift. Ella has opened up an entire world to me that before I was blind to. I no longer play the "why me" game, I wouldn't dream of it. I can't imagine my life without Ella and without Down syndrome, I wouldn't want that life. I see the world through a very different perspective now. Of course I still have days where I am sad and scared, but that mostly pertains to my fear for Ella's future, how she will be accepted etc.

I guess my whole reason for writing this is this, as everyone knows (or if you don't now you do..) 90% of families that find out prenatally that their baby has Down syndrome choose to terminate their pregnancy. Wow, right? I go between anger and sympathy for these families. I can totally understand the fear and sadness that they must feel, the crushing of a dream. I know that it is not that easy to find good news as far as having a baby with Ds is concerned. I know the feeling of wanting a "redo" wanting to alter the outcome somehow. I know that had I found out prenatally that their is NO WAY I could terminate BUT I also know that the thought would have crossed my mind a lot. I feel sorry for those families that did choose to terminate, they have no idea the gift that they just passed up. I also wonder, if this many babies are terminated, how many people with Down syndrome are there supposed to be in the world?? If these babies weren't terminated and the population of individuals with Ds was much larger then would my little girl face the same obstacles that face her now?

I have been doing a lot of thinking, the only thing I know for sure is that I am blessed. I have a beautiful 5 year old son and a beautiful 3 year old daughter that has Down syndrome and I am truly blessed! Here are some pics of my little blessings....

11 comments:

Tina said...

Firstly what beautiful pictures, you have 2 lovely children. Btw I just love the one of Ella in her blue t-shirt, so cute!! But then I love all the pictures.
Secondly I think you have spoken for alot of new parents, you certainly did for me, and the way you put it is so perfect and so eloquent and the best part so honest, I felt like you were actually writing down my feelings.

Jennifer said...

Love the pictures. I remember those first several when they were TAKEN, and it makes me sad. I miss you guys. I wish Ella and Savannah could be friends. Love you!

Jill said...

Hi! I have not posted a comment in so long, but know I that we still read and pray for Ella. Our journey in the world of adoption is stunted by the lack of kids which you mentioned in your post. How sad it is that the exclusion of them from this life causes the absense of them from our lives and the lessons learned there. We stand firm. Thanks for sharing Ella with the world.

Monica Crumley said...

Such a great post. I've felt all those feelings, too, when John Michael was a newborn. Feelings of guilt, shame, anger, resentment, wanting him to miraculously be "healed". It was me that needed healing because there wasn't anything wrong with him. I know that now. As for my other children, I know how you felt about your older son. I was (overly) proud of my "smart", high-achieving children. While I still am proud of them, I no longer give shower them with too much praise. I think John Michael has been a great equalizer in our family and a bringer of LOVE and compassion. Anyway, thank you for sharing. I love seeing the progression of your cuties as they grew. The b/w photo with the ?hyacinth? is lovely.

Debbie said...

precious!!! Great post!!!

Becca said...

Wow, beautiful words. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can't wait to get my hands on that book, too. Ella's just the cutest! Ah, if only we knew then what we know now... :-)

datri said...

Absolutely love these pics! My older daughter is a high-achiever, too. It's so hard balancing my feelings towards wanting/pushing her to be successful because she is so smart and just letting her be. After all, I just let Kayla be.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

what a GREAT post, thank you for writing what so many people have felt/are feeling! i hope somehow people who receive a prenatal diagnosis and are considering terminating can find your blog post if they decide to research on the internet and hopefully change their mind!!! i LOVE the pics too!!!

Denise said...

I too felt the same way but when Sydney was only 2weeks old she had her first open heart surgery and went into cardiac arrest...at the moment is when I KNEW I wanted to be her mommy and never looked back, Guess God wanted to open my eyes. I listened I would love another baby with ds:)Loved all the pics, Hunter will be such a better guy because of his sister!!

Bethany said...

OH MY LORD...that pic of them sitting on the recliner, Ella was a TANK!!! I LOVE IT!

Denise said...

Oh my gosh...I can't believe that I almost missed seeing this post. I just love all these pics of Hunter and Ella together. You have so many great ones!! I, too, feel so badly for the families that choose not to follow in this journey. It is so sad that they do not know what they are missing. And I have also thought alot about how many cutie patooties this world could have if there weren't so many Ds babies terminated.