Friday, May 4, 2007

Baby Doll

Here are pictures of Ella when she was five days old and yesterday. (8 months old.) My mom and I were sitting on the couch just staring at this new tiny little baby, the smallest one either of us had ever seen. My mom kept saying "she looks like a baby doll." her little features were so small and perfect. I remembered that I had left my favorite baby doll, I got it when I was 3, out in Ella's room. So we laid her by the doll, (which happened to be named DustyDavidBaldyJack, a name my grandad gave it because I changed it so often,) and they were the same size. Pretty amazing. I couldn't help but think of all those years I played with that baby doll and hoped that one day I would have a little baby of my own. I certainly never imagined my life being what it is now. I still have so many questions. It is easy for me to forget that Ella has Down syndrome. Today Ella was doing tummy time on her quilt and getting frustrated because she will not roll off of her stomach and she was getting tired and kept slamming her face down onto the floor. And it struck me, this is something that Hunter did at about 4 months old, and Ella is twice that age. Does it matter? NO. But it just strikes at my heart. Why does Ella have to work so much harder at everything she does than Hunter did? Why does she have to tire out easily? Why does she make so much noise when she breathes? Why does she have so many doctors appts? Why does she have weekly therapy? Why do people stare at her just that extra second trying to figure out what is different about her? The answer to all those questions is DOWN SYNDROME.

What really drives me crazy is that I know it doesn't matter, really I do. But I still have days/weeks where I wonder WHY??? Will this ever go away? I hope so. I never want Ella to think that she has caused me pain or heartache, but she has....well the Down syndrome has. I only want her to know that I know she can do anything she wants, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy and know she is loved.

Anyhow....... back to the pictures. My mom and I were standing over the crib staring at Ella and it just dawned on me how huge she is getting!!! She was 5lbs 10ozs when she was born and now weighs over 19lbs. All the books I've read lead me to believe that because she has DS that she would be tiny, HA HA HA!!!! In fact at her 6 month check up when her height/weight/head circumference were plotted on the Down syndrome growth chart her height was in the 75th percentile, (which Chris, Hunter and I are not tall people at all so we figured she was doomed), her head circumference was in the 95th percentile (gotta love my big headed babies!!!) and her weight was completely off the chart, not 99th percentile OFF the chart!!! Wow, if only being chubby stayed cute through adulthood : ) So staring at this huge baby in her crib I remembered DustyDavidBaldyJack and figured I would get a comparison pic and there they are. What a difference!!!


Liesl said...

wonderful shots. wonderful words. this is going to be good for you and for your readers, kacey! you are thinking out loud in a good way, and sharing pictures of God's Amazing Ella Grace--I'll be back.
did you really like the dessert? i thought the splenda-infused cherries tasted a little off...but i'm not used to splenda, unfortunately!

S. said...

I love the name of your blog, Ella Grace is precious. Yes, the first year is took me awhile, but I can honestly say that now Lukas is too busy making us laugh and smile to ever wonder "why" anymore!

Stuart and Beth said...

She is a cutie. It is fun to look at see how far each child has come. She looks like she is doing great.

Michelle said...

what neat pictures to do the comparison with the doll! She has grown and changed so much already huh? She's beautiful!

I don't know if those feelings ever go completely away (I'm only almost 4 yrs into this journey!) but I can tell you it's less and less there everyday!

Laurie said...

I just had one of those WHY days, too. Sometimes I think that the heartache has gone away, and then- BAM- I get set off and there it is, raw as ever.

Thanks for your honest post :)

BeeBop said...

Love your website. Found it very conforting. We are almost 3 years into this experience and we love our little angel sooooo much. We have those days of "why" and wonder why people have to stare, but we love our girl so much. She is doing really well, but not talking. She gets her point across though. Looking forward to reading more and love Ella Grace.

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