Day 26 - Comparisons

Last night I went to Hunter's Boy Scout meeting because he was receiving a few awards. There were about 30-40 boys there and all of there families. I was pretty surprised to look in the row behind me and see a boy with Down syndrome, and then to look 2 rows behind me and see a girl with Down syndrome. So out of 30-40 families, 3 of us had a child with Down syndrome and were all sitting together. I could not keep my eyes forward ( I did watch Hunter of course but wow that was a long meeting...) and of course in my mind I am comparing Ella to these other two children. Both of these children were older than Ella, the boy (I asked) was 5 and the girl appeared to be about 8.

I don't know why I insist on driving myself crazy. My mind instantly goes into this mode. I try to imagine Ella at their age and it always crushes me a little. When I imagine Hunter as a 10 year old boy, I can, it's easy to make that leap. Then I think about Ella at 10 and I get images in my head. I imagine all her little behavior issues/quirks being done. I imagine her talking and everyone can understand her. I imagine her with a best friend. I imagine her being socially appropriate, being quiet when she is supposed to, not running away from me. I imagine us going out on Mommy/Daughter "dates" shopping, dinner and a movie. I guess my image is of Ella being pretty "typical." And then I see a child with Down syndrome at approximately that age and my heart breaks a little.

I seriously need to just get over it. I mean really. Had I stopped and thought about Ella being 4 when she was a newborn and known that she would just really be starting to talk, that she would still wear a diaper, that she would (God help me) still take a pacifier, that she would be the size of a 2 year old, that she would have pretty much no danger perception, that she would still NEED naps, that she would be a "runner", that I wouldn't be able to reason with her, that she would be so naughty some times I cry and question my parenting ability, that she would be wearing glasses.......you get the point......I would be devastated.

I really need to just live in the moment, take each day for what it is. TODAY I know that my 4 year old is awesome she IS starting to talk, she can poop in the potty and is well on her way to being potty trained, she is a tiny spitfire, she is fiercely independent, she takes naps and I get a break sometimes, she is social, she is smart, she has friends both with Down syndrome and without, she is so incredibly amazing sometimes that I think I must be doing something right, she wears glasses but is such a responsible big girl about it, she goes to school and totally keeps up with her "typical peers", she has a great sense of humor and says and does things to get a laugh, she can behave (she can sit through a totally boring 2 hour Boy scout award meeting), she can count objects, she can say her ABC's (and you can mostly understand what she is saying,) she can sing songs that come on the radio........again you get the point......today I KNOW Ella is amazing.

I guess I thought that by the time Ella was 4 I would be over it. Down syndrome. It wouldn't effect me so much. I would totally accept it and be happy about it. The truth is that I really do have my head wrapped around it most of the time. And truthfully I love everything about Ella, everything that makes her who she is, including Down syndrome. But the truth also is the future scares the crap out of me sometimes, and sometimes I am terrified and overwhelmed. And I hate that. The future of my son, Hunter, does not scare me, sure it makes me sad to know how fast it all has and is going by, but I am not frightened by his future. I feel guilty.

Things I need to remember.... Live in the moment. Stop comparing, every person is an individual and everyone is different. Enjoy today. Try not to worry so damn much, it won't change things. Ella's future will be great. Hunter's future will be great. And therefore my future will be great.